I. Escalating and De-escalating Conflict

Going Up the Conflict Escalator
* Every behavior in the conflict is either a step up or a step down the "escalator."
* Behavior that makes the conflict worse will take it another step up the escalator.
* Every step in the conflict escalator has feelings that go with it. As the conflict escalates, so do the feelings.
* No one gets on the escalator empty handed. They always have a "suitcase." That's the baggage they bring to the conflict (i.e. past relationships with the person, current feelings about the person, past experiences with conflict, current feelings about conflict, feelings about self, mood that day, etc.).
* The higher you go on the escalator, the harder it is to come down.

Coming Down the Conflict Escalator

* De-escalate the conflict by using CAPS:
C - Cool off
A - Agree to work it out
P - Point of View of the Problem
S - Solve the Problem
* Cool off by taking deep breaths, relaxing your muscles, talk to yourself, count backwards and/or walk away.
* Agree to work it out - Showing willingness to solve problem, establish ground rules, grow to understand self and others involved in conflict and respect similarities and differences.
* Discover point of view on the problem--Each side gives point of view, use "I" statements, use active listening, listen and look for feelings and be aware of body language.
* Solve the problem by brainstorming solutions, choosing a win-win and deciding how to implement choice for solving conflict.

II. Understanding How We Respond to Conflict

The tools we use in responding to conflicts are often rooted in our family history and learned when we were young. Our methods of communication may have been formulated in messages we received growing up such as:
* "If he hits you, hit him back."
* "If you have nothing good to say, then don't say anything at all."
* "I'm your mother, that's why."

Old patterns can be changed with training in conflict resolution.

Based upon analyses done by Roger Fisher and William Ury (Getting To Yes. New York: Penguin Books, 1987), negotiation styles fall into three distinct categories: soft, hard and principled. Most people may use a combination of all three styles. Some of us may be dominant in only one or the other.
* The soft negotiator is more concerned with the relationship than the issue. This person often places his or her needs on the back burner in order to stay in good graces. A build-up of unmet needs may result in an explosive outcome and cause the soft negotiator to lash out at themselves or others. Allowing stress to build up inside may also affect your health. Tight-knit cultures are typical of this style. They act in favor of the collective first and for the individual second.
* A person who displays a hard negotiation style is in competition to win at any cost. Their relationships with others often suffer because of their selfish nature. Self-esteem is connected to their obsession with competing to win. This style is associated with loosely woven societies that tend to focus on the individual needs.
* The basis of conflict resolution is centered within principled negotiations. This discipline is focused on separating the people from the problem. As a result, participants become problem-solvers. The goal of this style is to reach a wise outcome efficiently and amicably--getting your needs met and treating the other person with respect. The principled negotiator takes charge of his or her responses through active listening and conflict management techniques.

III. Conflict Management Strategies

Active Listening
Communication is an essential part of conflict management. To improve communication it is helpful to have sending as well as receiving skills.
* Sender: observes, processes, evaluates and transmits messages through speech and body language.
* Receiver: decodes, sorts and interprets messages based on experiences beliefs and needs.

"Walk a mile in the other person's shoes"
* Empathy: put our lives, thoughts, values, feelings on hold and make ourselves available and present

Active listening techniques
* Paraphrasing: repeating back the information expressed
* Clarifying: acquiring information in the form of questions
* Reflection: echoing back the feelings behind the statements
* Encouragement: using phrases to let the person know that you are ready and willing to listen
* Summarizing: voicing the speaker's main idea in order to review as well as to acknowledge that you have heard what was said
* Validation: let the person know that you appreciate and respect their sharing

I-Statements
I-messages are a useful concrete technique to help express what we need and want in ways that keep communication open and receptive. When strong feelings surface in a conflict, we frequently use "you-messages" instead. You-messages accuse, blame, and belittle, thereby shutting down communication. You-messages are aggressive. I-messages, on the other hand, are assertive.

An I-message generally has three parts to it. I feel (state the emotion) when you (state the other person's specific behavior) because (state the effect the behavior has on you).

Let's take this one step at a time: Our first task is to say how we feel about the effect the other person's behavior is having on us: "I feel upset..." This takes a lot of awareness to determine what we are feeling. The next part, "when you come into my classroom to discuss a problem..." is also challenging. It is important to express this part in clear, specific terms. Avoid the tendency to add judgement to the description. The final part requires that we let the other person know the effect their behavior has had on us. One might simply say, "I feel upset when you come into my classroom to discuss a problem because it interrupts my teaching." A statement such as, "You have no right to come barging into my class!" would further escalate the problem.

I-messages help us to develop communication skills to express our anger and other strong feelings in beneficial non-aggressive ways.

Negotiation and/or Mediation
* Set ground rules for effective communication (no put downs, no interruptions)
* Define and clarify issues and needs to create solutions
* Brainstorm solutions
* Seek a win-win agreement
* Practice active listening
* Avoid communication blockers--name-calling, insulting, accusing, threatening, sarcasm, blaming, globalizing
* Respect and listen to all points of view--seek understanding

Cool Down - take a time out
* Take a few moments for everyone to relax
* If appropriate, calmly ask other person or persons for a few minutes to be by yourself
* Remove yourself and/or the angry individual from any audience
* Separate the person from the problem--focus on the problem, not the person

Body Language
* Speak in a quiet supportive tone
* Move slowly
* Stand facing the person with your body at an angle to theirs, one foot slightly ahead of the other
* Use a non-committal facial expression
* Maintain direct eye contact
* Keep hands open and visible
* Use minimal gestures
* Allow plenty of room between yourself and the angry person
* Do not fold arms--keep arms at your side
* Monitor your own body's feelings and how quickly you are breathing
* Breathe slowly and deeply--instruct yourself to relax
* Understand your own feelings about conflict. This means recognizing your "triggers," words or actions that immediately provoke an emotional response, like anger. It could be facial expression, a tone of voice, a pointing finger, or a certain phrase. Once you know your "triggers," you can better control your emotions.
* Active listening. Go beyond hearing just words; try to understand what the other person is saying. Listen carefully, instead of thinking about what you're going to say next. Active listening requires concentration and body language that says you are paying attention.
* Generating options for resolving a conflict. Many people can think of only two ways to manage conflict--fighting or avoiding the problem. Get the facts straight, brainstorm all ideas that might help resolve the argument, and discuss the pros, cons, and consequences.

Moving away from confrontation and toward agreement
* Look at your response to conflict. If your style isn't working--you're left with raging emotions that lead to more problems--try to change.
* State your needs and define the problem. Talk about the issues without insulting or blaming the other person. Don't state your position; that's simply your solution to the problem. Take a hard look at what is said (position) with what is really meant (needs).
* Together, discuss various ways of meeting needs or solving the problem. Be flexible and open-minded.
* Decide who will be responsible for a specific action after reaching agreement on a plan.

Tips for Making Peace
* Choose a convenient time.
* Plan ahead.
* Talk directly.
* Don't blame or name-call.
* Give information.
* Listen.
* Show that you are listening.
* Talk it through.

References
Fisher, Roger and Ury, William, Getting To Yes. New York: Penguin Books, 1987.

Lantieri, L. and Patti, J., Waging Peace in Our Schools. New York: Beacon Press, 1996.