Anecdotes
Darlene White

In the following anecdotes, principals and teachers describe actual encounters that they have had with oppositional parents. Do you agree with the way they handled these situations? What would you have done?

Case #1: Middle School Principal Encounter (1st of 2):

At regular intervals during the school year, notices of poor attendance and excessive tardies are sent home to parents. These letters inform parents of the numbers of absences and/or tardies, and cite Ed. Code requirements that students attend school. In addition, information regarding possible consequences for continued absences or tardies are included. Recently, when these letters were mailed home, a guardian phoned the office furious for having received the above stated letter. The volume of the phone call required that the phone be held away from the ear. The guardian (grandmother) stated that she would not be threatened by me and that I had no business sending her such a letter. The student had been recently suspended for fighting on campus, and she wanted to take the opportunity to rehash the details of the fight. She stated that she was going to take my threatening letter higher up than me, and that I would hear more later. The conversation included many such repeated threats and lasted approximately 8 minutes.

Response:

I stated that these letters were sent to all students with a targeted number of absences or tardies and that we were required to inform guardians of requirements that students be in school. I stated that they were not meant to be taken as a threat, and that I was sorry she saw it that way. I explained the school board policy that stated that 30 absences from school might require retention, and that it was our duty to let parents know when they were getting close to that number. I also stated that I had not been involved with the suspension, but knew about the situation and felt that the suspension was well warranted. I told her that she was welcome to take the letter to whomever she felt and thanked her for being concerned about her grandson. These things were repeated as often as she repeated her accusations, fitting them into the conversation whenever possible.

Outcome:

The guardian was not satisfied with any of my responses. The conversation ended with the "threat" of taking the threatening letter to "someone else." To date, I have heard no more information regarding the guardian or her concerns with the letter.

Reflection:

Hearing the level of frustration in her voice, and knowing from previous experience that it was difficult to make headway, I would have liked to have spent less time on the phone with her. The parent was no more understanding at the end of the conversation than the beginning. Upon hearing that she wanted to talk to another level of authority, I should have given her the number of the district office and invited her to call there.

Case #2: Middle School Principal Encounter (2nd of 2):

A student arrived at school with a Mohawk haircut. This student had dark brown hair and a very white scalp making the Mohawk very obvious and bizarre looking. He was sent to the office. I explained to him that the Mohawk violated the part of the dress code that states that students are not to present an appearance that is bizarre or unusual and disruptive to the educational process. He stated that he understood and that he would just shave off the Mohawk part of the haircut. I called home and his sister also stated that she understood the policy and that she would come to pick him up. Later in the day, the boy returned to school, with his Mohawk and his grandmother, and wished to speak with me. The grandmother stated that she felt the haircut was very appropriate for school as these haircuts had been around since the beginning of time. She stated that I should see what high school students wear to school and that she has seen students on our campus that have more bizarre haircuts than his. She stated that I was just the kind of person who liked to put people into little boxes. She stated that I would need to pay for his next haircut or give him homework until his hair grew out. The student was also very belligerent at this time and uncooperative. He was rude and disrespectful stating that it was his hair and I had no right to say how he could wear it.

Response:

When grandmother was read the dress code policy and I explained the rule, her response was that she felt it was appropriate for her grandson to wear a Mohawk. To this I responded that I was the principal of the school, and that it was up to me to make that decision, not her. I also stated that this was not the high school, and that no students were in attendance at Piute with Mohawks. I told her that I would not be paying for her grandson's haircut and that if he were to stay home, he would be considered truant. When the student and grandmother began their rude behavior, I restated the policy and stated that I would not listen to them be rude in this office, and I left the room.

Outcome:

The duo left the office, muttering things under their breath. The boy did not return to school the next day, but did return the following day, with no Mohawk. I did not hear from the student or grandmother again.

Reflection:

I would probably handle this situation the same way in the future. If the student had not returned to school, I would have made an attendance call, and possibly followed up with a truancy ticket.

Case #3: Middle School Teacher Encounter (1st of 2):

In December of this past year, I period substituted an eighth grade language arts class over a three-day period. Most of the students in this class were former students of mine from their sixth grade year, so they were aware of my management style and behavior policies.

On the first day, a few of the boys attempted to cross the line with me. Just typical boy-stuff, nothing to raise blood pressure over, so I let it pass. On the second day, I told several of the boys that the antics of the previous day would not go unpunished today. One student chose not to take my advice. He did some foolish things to gain attention, so I sent him to another classroom to complete his work. I also asked him to write a letter/explanation as to why I shouldn't issue him demerits for his actions, and bring it back to me at the end of the class. My reason behind this course of action was to show the class I was serious (which they understood), and to discipline that student without making a minor issue into something larger.

At the end of class, the student returned, but had not written the letter based on his opinion that he had done nothing wrong. Faced with this, he left me little choice but to issue demerits for defiance and classroom disturbance. As far as I was concerned, that was the end of it.

Response:

Four days later I received a call from the principal, saying that this student's parent wanted to meet with me to discuss the demerits. As we spoke, she explained that she had just spent an hour of her time with this parent, and that the parent was not satisfied with her explanation of our school policies and her support for my actions.

The next morning, the principal, parent, student, and myself met to discuss the reason behind the issuing of the demerits (this is where the story begins to take on the hidden motivation of the parent to meet me). When the parent entered the room, I addressed him with his title and last name. Clearly, this parent had forgotten that his child was a previous student. We all sat, and the parent's first question was how we (the school) would nullify the demerits issued. The principal and I stated that the demerits would remain on the student's citizenship grade.

I proceeded to give the parent a narrative account of the day in class, and the actions that earned the student demerits. Once again, the parent wanted to know how we could nullify the demerits. At this point I realized that the parent was not listening to anything I had to say. His motivation behind this meeting was to eliminate those demerits. I added that when his child was my student, that the student was wonderful, polite, and had earned an A grade, and that the student had clearly changed in attitude and behavior in the past two years. Once again, the parent asked if we could nullify the demerits.

The principal then looked at the student's citizenship grade on the computer. These were not the first demerits the student had earned, so it was not a case of someone wanting to keep a perfect grade. Just the opposite, the demerits that I had issued had brought the student down to a D in citizenship. As with most parents and students, its not the first 30 demerits that the student earned that they are angry or concerned about, but the last 2 or 3 that dropped them into trouble that they want to argue and confront the teacher about.

By this point I was finished, had said all I could say, and I wasn't going to change my mind. So, I thanked the parent for their time, and left the principal's office. As I began to leave, the parent asked, "so does my child get to play this weekend?" I replied "play what this weekend?" I had little idea of what he was referring to.

As it turned out, two days, and two hours of teacher and principal time later, this student was on the basketball team, and they had a tournament that was coming up this weekend. Having now dropped to a D in citizenship, the student would be eliminated from the team. The parent was not interested in how his child's grades had dropped during his eighth grade year, or that his child's behavior had seriously declined in the past two years. His only concern was a "&*(*#@" basketball game!!!

Outcome:

The end result was very simple. The demerits stood; the student was removed from the team; the principal's time and mine was wasted; and I had lost respect for this parent.

Reflection:

With a quick check on the computer, and a few questions to the vice principal of this student, the principal would have had the background and motivation of the parent and student for these meetings ahead of time.

This is a clear case of poor time management. Two hours were spent on a microscopic infraction. An infraction that never should have required me to meet with this parent, and use up valuable teacher and administrative time. I feel that the principal should have ended this issue after the first meeting. There was no need for me to meet, and spend an hour figuring out what this parent was up to. With a fair, but firm position, this should have ended in ten minutes, not two hours.

Being accommodating, kind, concerned and respectful toward our parents is a key aspect of a school's success. Allowing a parent and their child to try to manipulate our school policies, lie, and waste time is unacceptable.

Case #4: Middle School Teacher Encounter (2nd of 2):

A student who rarely attended school received a final failing mark for the year. Even though telephone calls were made to the parent (the calls never returned) and notices along with progress reports and grade cards were ignored. On the day before the last day of school, the parent simply showed up after school and wanted a conference. The parent wanted to know what could be done to give his son a passing grade. The vice-principal referred him to me.

Response:

I told the parent there was no possible way I could help him. The student had missed over forty-five school days, failed to complete any assignments, and more importantly, ignored all of my previous attempts to rectify the situation before it escalated to this point. The parent became hostile at this point. I walked him out to the school field with his son staying behind and verbally blasted him for being a bad parent.

Outcome:

The parent left unsettled. I confronted the vice-principal and asked why I had even been involved, in what I thought was an administrative circumstance. I was told I had given the failing mark and was responsible to explain my decision to the parent.

Reflection:

I still believe the administrator involved had a responsibility to at least make an appointment where all parties concerned attended a meeting. It is not sound management to simply send a parent to a teacher who is unprepared for such a confrontation. If it should happen again, I believe I would take the administrator to task immediately and refuse any contact with the parent.

Case #5: High School Teacher Encounter:

When I taught at Palmdale High School I had a student who got to "Step 4" (The discipline system was a series of "steps." If a student got to Step 4 they were placed in permanent in-house suspension). This male student received "steps" from me for such things as profanity, throwing chairs, etc. and other unacceptable classroom behavior. When this student learned he was "out of my class" he said to me on his way out the door, "I'll see about that . . . " Later that day as I left school I realized two of my car tires had been slashed. The school deputy tricked the student into confessing by telling him the parking lot had surveillance cameras that observed him.

Response:

As the student was suspended for a week (a light punishment, I thought), the principal said they would "help me work with the parents to get my tires paid for." The principal also said the student would be "suspended longer when the student was seen on campus visiting friends during the so-called suspension."

Outcome:

The principal did neither. I had to take the boy's father to small claims court to get my money. Initially, the boy's father tried to get out of paying by denying knowledge of the whole situation. The night before the court date, I finally got the money.

Reflection:

This whole experience gave me a very negative feeling towards the administration who I felt I could not trust to back me up and do what they said they would do. I also had negative feelings towards the parent who took no accountability for the son's actions. Ultimately, I decided to leave the school because of this.