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Is Your Relationship Heading Into Dangerous Territories

Is Violence a Problem in Your Relationship?

Lots of people have it. Relationship violence is an equal opportunity problem. Anybody can have it. Men have it. Women have it. Wealthy people, poor people, white folks, folks of color, Republicans and Democrats have it. Catholics, Protestants, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, agnostics, and even atheists have it. Computer users have it. Nice people have it. Somebody you know has it. Maybe your spouse/partner has it. Maybe you have it.

Do You See Yourself or a Friend in the Following Questions?

How About These Questions

If you found yourself answering yes to several of the preceding questions, then violence may be a problem in your relationship. The information in this brochure may help you choose what to do next.

Violent and Non-Violent Relationships

Violent Relationship Based on Power and Control and Respect

Non-Violent Relationship Based on Mutuality

Cycle of Domestic Violence

The Cycle of Domestic Violence* shows how domestic violence often becomes a pattern made up of three stages. It also depicts how love (for your partner), hope (that the relationship will get better), and fear (of retaliation for ending the relationship) keep the cycle in motion and make it hard to end a violent relationship.

*"Cycle of Violence" concept comes from Walker, L. (1979). "The Battered Woman," New York: Harper & Row.

Stage One: Tension-Building

  1. Rather than using mutual communication, negotiation, or compromise to solve problems, violent individuals tend to rely on the use of force or coercion to get what they want.
  2. Typically, violence occurs after a build-up of tension in the relationship about issues which are not directly discussed or resolved.
  3. During this period, tension mounts, communication decreases, and both partners may feel tense, edgy, and jumpy.
  4. Arguments and criticism tend to increase during this period.

Stage Two: Violence

  1. After this build-up, physical violence may erupt over seemingly insignificant issues.
  2. Tension seems to be released, and often, the relationship seems to improve.

Stage Three: Seduction

  1. Perpetrators of violence often apologize, make promises to change, and pay special attention to their partners immediately following a violent incident.
  2. This period is sometimes referred to as the "honeymoon period" because of the positive feelings resulting from the release of tension and the hope that things will change for the better.
  3. This kind of spontaneous change rarely occurs, however, because the underlying pattern of control and lack of communication and compromise has not changed.

If your partner has been violent with you:

Talk to someone about your feelings. Since relationship violence is traumatic and overwhelming, it is important for you to have support. If you find that family or friends are not able to understand, or cannot offer all the support you need, there are a number of campus and community agencies where trained professionals can assist you in a caring, confidential manner. Know that you are not alone. More than 50% of women in the U.S. report having experienced violence at the hands of a spouse or romantic partner. Know that you are not to blame. You may have been told that it's your fault, that you provoked the violence. You may even feel guilty and ashamed. It is important to know, however, that violence is the choice of the abuser - you cannot make that choice for him or her. Plan for your safety. Once violence has occurred in a relationship, it is likely to re-occur. It is important to have a plan for how to protect yourself from future violence. Learn some of the phone numbers listed under Campus & Community Resources at the end of this pamphlet. Talk to a trusted friend or relative about what is happening and arrange to stay with that person when things get bad. Keep a spare set of keys and some money in a place where you can get to them in a hurry. If you decide to leave, consider seeking a protective order. A protective order is a court order that can remove the abuser from his/her residence if that residence is shared with you; forbid the abuser from communicating with you, or going near your place of residence or employment; and order the abuser to attend counseling or a batterer's treatment program.

If you have been assaulted, or fear being assaulted:

  1. Call 911
  2. Attend to physical well-being. Get medical attention!
  3. Seek crisis intervention and counseling. See the list of Community Resources at the end of this brochure.

If you have been violent toward your partner:

  1. Know that you are also not alone. Recent research concludes that 20 to 30% of college dating relationships have included incidents of both verbal and physical abuse.
  2. Understand that violence is a learned behavior, not an innate trait or permanent personality feature. Violent behavior is something that can be changed- if you commit yourself to a change process.
  3. Take responsibility for your violent behavior. The first step in changing any problematic behavior is acknowledging that you have a problem and taking responsibility for it. It is not enough to say "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again." That is merely part of the cycle of abuse - the "Seduction" or "Honeymoon" Phase.
  4. Seek outside help. There are programs available that provide education and counseling about ways to "unlearn" violent behavior and to learn alternative ways of dealing with frustration and anger. (See Campus & Community Resources.)

Remember:

To end the cycle of violence, it is important for both partners in a relationship to seek outside help and support. It takes work and commitment to stop violence and to establish non-violent patterns of solving problems. The involvement of professionals who have experience dealing with relationship violence gives you a much better chance of achieving these goals.

If Someone You Know is Being Abused... What Should You Do?

You may have a friend, relative, or neighbor who is being abused. You may have witnessed the violence, heard it, seen physical signs of it, or merely suspected it for various reasons. What should you do?

  1. Ask direct questions, gently. Give the person ample opportunity to talk. Don't rush into providing solutions
  2. Listen - without judging.
  3. Let your friend know that you offer your support and caring, that the responsibility for the violence lies elsewhere, and that only the abuser can stop the violence.
  4. Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable, at any time. There's no excuse for it - not alcohol or drugs, not financial pressures, not depression, notjealousy.
  5. If your friend has children and is concerned for them, reinforce that concern and let him or her know that domestic violence is damaging to children. In fact, you may want to reach out to support the children, letting them know you're there for them, as well
  6. Let the person know that, in spite of the partner's promises, the violence is likely to continue and, probably, escalate.
  7. Emphasize that, if it becomes necessary, it is possible to make a choice to leave the relationship, and help is available.
  8. Provide your friend information about local resources. If the person chooses to remain in the relationship, continue to be a friend, while at the same time firmly communicating that no one deserves to be in a violent situation.
  9. If you see or hear an assault in progress, call the police. But because these assaults are often dangerous, do not physically intervene.

Campus & Community Resources

California State University, Bakersfield

Counseling Center (8-6 M-Th, 8-5 F): 661/654-3366
University Health Services: 661/654-2394
Campus Police: 661/654-2211 or 911

Community

Kern County Mental Health - 868-6600
Alliance Against Family Violence - 322-0931
Clinica Sierra Vista - 326-8167
Frazier Mt. Community Health - 858-2970
Ebony Counseling Center - 324-4756

Reading Resources on Relationship Violence

If you are in doubt about where to turn for assistance, please feel free to call the Counseling Center at 661-654-3366

 

Acknowledgement

This information was prepared by the University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center to assist students with mental health issues.